Geraldine Hickey

I was recently at the pub with some friends on a Sunday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, so like many others we chose to sit in the beer garden and enjoy the sunshine. There were a few family’s with young children amongst the mix. Now I for one have no problems with kids in pubs and café’s. Most of the time they are better behaved then some of the adults. However at one stage I looked up and saw a young boy who I’d guess would be about 2 years old. A wave of sorrow washed over me the moment I saw him and this wasn’t due to his hideous features that moments later I worked out were clearly from his father. It was the fact that his parents had him tethered to the pole of an umbrella.

I detest those leads. Sure it may have a cute fluffy Koala backpack instead of a collar but that doesn’t hide the fact that these parents are treating their children like the family pet. I often wonder if these parents keep their child in it’s cot all day when they are home just to give the illusion they’re in a cage. When I see these parents dragging their kids down the street I don’t see a protective parent that loves it’s child more than anything, all I see is a lazy parent. If you are going to have kids then teach them to heel or expect that you’ll have to keep an eye on them. A blind parent is the only time I will accept having a lead on a child and I don’t mean blind of the copious amount of alcohol variety, I mean the sight impaired Stevie Wonder variety.

‘Little ugly features’ parents were not blind, so the tethering was not necessary. Honestly though where did they think he was going to go? It wasn’t long before the young chap saw some other kids playing in a garden and quite possibly thought to himself ‘That’s where I want to be. Screw you adults and your boring conversations about home decorating’ He then got up off the ground and started walking towards them looking like the worlds strongest man trying to pull a jumbo and what this kid lacked in good looks he certainly made up for in strength as it wasn’t long before he dragged the umbrella behind him until it eventually toppled and fell taking a table of white wine spritzers, shandy’s and half eaten parma’s with it. Thankfully the kid was alright. The parents however looked like dicks. If they just let him go in the first place he would have walked over to the garden where the other kids were playing, they would have taken one look at him then had a discussion amongst themselves before coming to the conclusion that there is no way that they would be caught playing with a kid that ugly and they would of sent him on his way. He would have gone back to his parents and sat in his pram sucking his fingers and we all would have a much more pleasant afternoon because the parents would have put the shade cloth over the pram so no one would have look at his unsightly face anymore. But no they chose to be cruel instead.

There has been a lot praise for the Pixar’s Toy Story 3.  I don’t understand it. Yes it was a beautiful film with Pixars amazing attention to detail, however a 5 year old really doesn’t gives a toss about detail. This is supposed to be a film aimed at children and there is no way I would take anyone under the age of 10 to see it. What child wants to go to the movies to learn about issues of abandonment, imprisonment, and how hard it is to fit in.  They don’t want to see their favourite toys dangling over a pit of fire destined to become a melted mess of plastic. Even I found certain bits terrifying. I’m still having nightmares about the baby doll with one wonky eye and head spinning abilities.

Lotso the chief Teddy bear at Sunnyside day care is a character that is pure evil. Oh and well done on associating the sweet smell of strawberries with a character that is clearly a metaphor for a paedophile.

Get fucked Pixar if you want to make a touching story that adults think is funny and heartfelt, than make a film for Adults and don’t disguise it as a childrens film.

Alright I’m going to be honest. I am a 31 year old woman that wants nothing more in life than to get married and have a baby. I struggle to admit this because I don’t want to be just another stereotypical girl in her thirties. I’m Geraldine Hickey and I’m not like other girls damn it! The only shoes I buy are Dunlop Volley’s, I have been to more Bucks nights than Hens Parties, I love football. When the occasion arises that I need to wear a dress I will burrow one from my sister because the only dress that I own is in a box somewhere, I rarely wear makeup or jewellery and my favourite game is fart tennis. Add to that my potty mouth and my ability to drink a schooner of beer in 8 seconds and I am the perfect candidate for Ladette to Lady and thus not as individual as I thought I was.

So maybe admitting that my biological clock is ticking is not such a big deal. In fact maybe there are some other truths I should admit, like I love the show ‘Rush’, there is more pop music than Indy rock on my ipod, I have never seen any of ‘The Godfather’ films and the only time I think about global warming is when I’m having a long hot shower.

I’m afraid to admit my secrets not because I’m scared I’ll be the only one but because I know I am one of many. I don’t want to be seen as just another person in the crowd. I want to stand out. No more though, now I just want a husband, a successful career, a humble abode, a baby in my belly and a dog that we will adopt from a shelter. Which is where everyone should get their dogs. Well at least not from a pet store. You should sign this to make sure no one does http://www.closepuppyfactories.org/index-lo.html

I guess at the end of the day I want to grow up.